Today:
1) Rang Learn Direct ~ Asked them about 2 courses I was interested in. They took my details & told me that someone from the apprenticeship team would be in touch. I asked another question, but was just told that someone from the apprenticeship team would let me know. I just wanted to know about funding & if I needed to be in relevant employment to get on the courses. They said they’d send me an email as well. Nothing yet.
2) Rang about adult education courses in my area ~ No answer. So phoned another centre. They didn’t know what courses they will be offering but they have an open day next week. Alrighty then. I asked if the courses were free or not. They said it was dependent on my circumstances. Alrighty then.
3) Rang a local college ~ I already know I can’t do an apprenticeship with them unless I’m in paid or unpaid work. I know I can’t get get funding for a Level 2 diploma. But I know I can get funding for a Level 3 diploma. That’s through a 24+ Advanced Learning Loan. All I wanted to know was if I have to be in relevant employment for that. They didn’t know so said they’d put me through to someone else. I got an answering machine. No way am I leaving my voice on one of those things. So I left it a few minutes & rang back. Was put on hold. This was after 5pm by this point so I will try again tomorrow.
Basically: yet again, I am trying all avenues & trying to think positively. Is it so much to ask to be in a job that I want to do & that I’ll hopefully comfortable in?
The result? No answers. I have been banging my head against a brick wall for over a year now. I contact places & no-one can give me a straight answer and/or help. No-one. Not my University, not the Jobcentre, colleges, the National Careers Services, Learn Direct, and local courses through my local council.
But I managed to make those phone calls despite my disorder. Did say already that I hate/fear phone calls? I feel sick, dizzy, can feel my heart pumping, feel like the other person on the phone is going to be so rude before they’ve answered the phone. In fact, before I’ve even picked up the phone in the first place.
But I have my better days. Where I am so determined that I just think:
“Fuck you. Even if you do turn out to be a complete asshole to me, I don’t care. This is MY life & I will do what I’ve gotta do to get where I want to be.”
A lot of the time though, the people on the phone are fine. Some of it’s all in my head. Past experiences have caused me to me paranoid that everyone is mean.
Then what happened…
- I opened my post.
OMG. Would you believe it? After all this time, I have finally been offered an interview for a job that I REALLY REALLY want! I spent over a week on that application. BUT it is ‘just’ an interview. I will spend the next few days preparing myself. But after the interview, it’s all in their hands. Chances are that they’ll pick someone with the experience.
But hey, if I go into it negative, then surely I’m giving myself even less of a chance? Nah, screw that. I’m gonna do my best. The last 2 interviews I went to ages ago went like this:
1) A job that I knew I was capable of (I’ve done similar), but wasn’t too bothered about. I just wanted A job.
2) A job I really wanted.
In interviews, you always have to tell them why you want that job. Do you see my problem yet?
I STRUGGLE TO LIE. I FEEL LIKE THEY KNOW.
Eye contact is part of the interview. How am I expected to look someone and convince them I really want a job in their company when I don’t? I just need money.
(Side note: I actually got a job with Tesco’s years ago by telling the truth. She asked why did I want that job. I told the truth. I said I was a college student, it was coming up to Christmas, so I needed money. I think the interviewer just liked me, saw I was genuine. But no, I would not recommend complete honesty like that. But for me, it’s all I have. I STRUGGLE TO LIE.)
~~~~RESULTS~~~~
1) I failed. i think that’s the only interview that I’ve been to & not been offered a job out of it. But I don’t blame them. I’d been going through an extremely difficult time. I was extremely anxious. I stuttered the whole way through the group interview. I’ve been to a group interview in the past it was fine. But for multiple reasons, I did terrible.
2) The interview went really well. I felt so much at ease because I was HONEST. I didn’t feel like I was making stuff up to please the interviewer & I wasn’t going against my integrity. I was being genuine. I got the placement I wanted.
Anyway, back to my post:
I had sent my CV & cover letter to a company asking if I could do voluntary work. They sent it back. I was offering to work for free to help others less fortunate than myself and they sent it back. How charming.
I think I prefer being ignored.
socialanxietyandunemployment 