I stopped claiming Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA) for a while. But just like the rest of the population that can’t live on fresh air, neither can people with mental health problems. I just needed a break from the pressure. The constant pressure of worrying if I’ve applied for enough jobs to suit them. Every time I’ve signed on, I’ve always gone way over what they’ve asked. But my anxiety tells me that I need to do that to keep them off my backs. However, this reduces the quality of my applications. Often, I’ll be just sending off my CV and perhaps a quick cover letter and that’s it. I would prefer to find out a bit about the company, what they’re all about, and how I could do their role. But instead, I’ll be trying to please the Jobcentre, rather than pleasing the employer.
So I took a break. And for about 2 weeks I didn’t apply for any jobs either. So what have I been doing? Well I’ve been exhausted. Depression and anxiety, coupled with hayfever and asthma has really been taking it out of me. Then there’s the nightmares & night terrors. But I’ll discuss those another time.
I’ve been on Elance to see if I could earn money through writing. I didn’t assume that it would make me rich quick, but I thought it might be worth a look. I made a profile & made a ‘proposal’. Basically, you look for suitable clients & tell them why you might be suitable to carry out the work they want. I made my first one. The client replied & asked me to add them on Skype. I was suspicious. In a nut shell, they were basically trying to get free work out of me. I declined & reported them. So there are benefits to being suspicious! But I’ll still be checking out the site. Always follow your instincts! Unless yours are rubbish, lol.
I’ve made some flyers for:
1) Tutoring– I have taught siblings & friends subjects in the past. I can be very patient- which I believe teaching requires! More recently I have marked some essays for University students. I helped them with the general layout, suggestions, Harvard referencing, proofreading, etc. I’ve also helped a friend with paperwork because of dyslexia. So I thought tutoring might be worth a go. I’ve done some flyers that I will hand out. I’ve created a Facebook page. I’ve also created a profile on a tutoring website. I’m just waiting on references. Maybe I could also advertise on gumtree and other websites.
2) Ironing– Well why not? I can get the flyers out & see if anyone’s interested. If so, great. If not, well at least I tried. I’m decent at ironing, I don’t hate it, and I’ll be sure to check clothing before hand. I’ve been on Ebay & ordered certain things I need.
The problem? MY ANXIETY! How the hell am I supposed to teach/ help students when I have little confidence? How the hell am I supposed to speak to people on the phone? The funny thing (and good thing) is that I can be fairly confident with people face to face. I’m not always a nervous wreck. So we’ll see how it goes.
In the meantime though, whilst I’m waiting for those to be delivered, I will get back to my usual job hunting. So back to today:
I applied for JSA again. I filled in the online form yesterday. I also did this a couple of weeks ago, but didn’t feel up to the appointment so I didn’t go. Since I hadn’t been applying for jobs, I figured that I technically wouldn’t be entitled to claim. I’ve been hiding myself away from the world, not feeling able to face anyone, never answering the phone or the door, etc. I even missed my appointment with Mind, so I’ll probably have to wait another 6 weeks for their confidence classes to begin again.
I considered applying for Employment and Support Allowance (ESA), but it looked like it was more hassle than it was worth. The Jobcentre is hell enough, without people judging whether or not I’m faking my anxiety & depression. If ANYONE mentions my mental health, even asks me an innocent question like “How are you feeling?”, I can break down in seconds & start sobbing uncontrollably. It’s embarrassing. I did it last year in the Jobcentre. Do I want to go through that embarrassment again? Hell no. So I just applied for plain old JSA.
Usually they send you a text to book your appointment. When they’ve booked me in for appointments before though, it’s clashed with other appointments, such as the doctors, Mind. I have a career’s advice meeting at my old Uni on Monday to help me find a placement & a nurse’s appointment on Tuesday. I filled in the times on the form.
Today, I forced myself to go for a walk to try to help my mental health. It was so nice to be out in the sunshine. I smiled hello at a couple of neighbours. I was polite when I went to the shop. I felt anxious but I could feel my spirits uplifting. (However, I don’t always have the strength to even do this!) I plan on applying for some jobs after my walk, doing some exercise, & then sunbathing. All is well.
Then I get back, check my phone, and there’s a missed call. I Google it & it’s the Jobcentre. So as much as I hate phones, I know I have to call them. So I do. In a nutshell this is what happened:
Call number 1. I explain about clashing appointments & not being well with my mental health.
Me: “I had a missed call. I applied for JSA online.”
JC: “Did you have 2 missed calls? Or just 1?
Me: “Just 1.”
JC: “We can only deal with you if you’ve had 2 missed calls. They will call you again. Your last claim is still running & it’s easier to go with that one.”
Call number 2. They ring me. I explain about clashing appointments & not being well with my mental health.
JC: “I’ll give you a number and you have to call them. Tell them you just need to re-book a New Work Focused Interview. That’s all you have to say.”
Call number 3: I tell them that I need to re-book a New Work Focused Interview.
I explain about clashing appointments & not being well with my mental health.
They ask me what date I missed my last one. They tell me to wait for a phone call for someone to re-book me.
By this point, my anxiety is very high because of all the phone calls & I’m feeling a bit low. I feel like all my efforts that morning were for nothing. I look at loads of jobs online. I keep the ones that I will apply to later. I feel that my brain is too foggy right now. And I’ll like to take my time with them anyway. So I do some yoga & plan to go on the cross-trainer afterwards. I start to feel more relaxed. But literally, as I’m finishing my yoga………………….
Call number 5.
Yes seriously, call NUMBER FIVE!!!
Call number 5. I was struggling to understand him, and like the previous phone calls, struggling to hear properly. My phone is rubbish.
His tone seemed…. I dunno, more stern or something. I explain AGAIN about clashing appointments & not being well with my mental health. He asked me to repeat myself, so I do. I tell him that I have already had 4 phone calls today about this. I honestly can’t see what the problem is!!
He books me in for TUESDAY! For 1.20pm. I tell him that I have a nurse’s appointment at 1.30pm, so I’ll have to re-book my nurse. That appointment wasn’t exactly easy to get. But I can discuss doctor’s surgeries another time!
JC: “You have an appointment at the same time?
Me thinking: “Umm duh, that’s why I put it on the form!”
Me: “Yes.”
JC: “At the same time?”
Me: “Well at 1.30.”
JC: “You have a hospital appointment?”
Me: “No it’s for the nurse, at the doctor’s surgery.”
So he books me in for 4pm. That’s fine. What the HELL was the big deal?! He tells me to make sure I go to that one. He asks me if I have I anything else I need to talk about. I want to ask him if I can get help regarding finding work & my anxiety, but decide against it. Hopefully I don’t get a complete jackass next week & can discuss it with them.
5 PHONE CALLS TO BOOK ONE APPOINTMENT? SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!
I hang up the phone & by this point I’m in tears. I feel like he thinks I was lying. I SAID I could re-book the nurse’s appointment. I’ve been crying, i feel like absolute shit right now, my mascara is all down my face, and I have a headache. I’m having suicidal thoughts. Cheers for that.
And for what? Why, so I don’t have to keep living on fresh air, of course!
If I sell any more of my belongings, I’ll have nothing left. My overdraft is almost wiped out. Thank the Lord it’s an interest-free Graduate overdraft.
And that’s me for today. It’s now past 5pm. And I’ve still not done been on the cross-trainer. But you know what Jobcentre? Screw you! Screw you because it’s still hot enough out there for me to sunbathe! Ha! I will cheer myself up whether you like it or not. Screw you!
Ciao for now.
socialanxietyandunemployment 